When to Say Yes, When to Say No: Setting Healthy Boundaries
“Your ‘yes’ needs to be as good as your actual commitment and your ‘no’ needs to be as kind as your ability to let go.” — Craig D. Lounsbrough
Have you ever been in the dilemma of whether to say yes or no to something? Perhaps, accept an invitation, say yes to some commitment or refuse because you cannot or do not want to.
The tussle that goes on inside can sometimes be nerve-wracking and can easily drain off our life force if we are not vigilant.
Life constantly presents us with choices about how to spend our rather limited time and energy. While we may want to help everyone and take on every opportunity that comes our way, that is simply not sustainable or healthy. We all have limits on what we can handle, but often we find ourselves saying “yes” beyond our capacity out of habit, guilt, or a desire to please others. This leaves us overcommitted, overwhelmed, resentful, and spreading ourselves too thin. On the flip side, quick “no’s” without consideration can come across as selfish or closed-minded.
Yes and No is a fine balancing act which involves setting and cultivating healthy boundaries.
Learning to say “no” and set boundaries is critical for well-being. However, saying yes is also crucial for growth, fulfilment and connection.
Setting boundaries is an art that takes time and self-awareness to master.
- How can we thoughtfully discern when to agree to requests and when to politely decline?
- How can we thoughtfully navigate when to decline commitments and when to embrace new possibilities?
Prioritizing Self-Care Over People-Pleasing — The key lies first in knowing our actual limits at any moment. Tuning inward, we can notice our current energy levels, schedule, and mental/emotional bandwidth.
Running a cost/benefit analysis — Often people ask for something seemingly simple, a ‘small’ favour and below it lies a massive amount of work and it requires an enormous commitment of time, resources and energy. Learn to request clarity if the details are vague. Run a quick cost/benefit analysis — what do you stand to gain or lose from saying yes or no? Check-in with your core values and priorities and assess if this aligns or distracts.
What matters most to you? Each time you are asked to take on a responsibility, weigh it against what matters most. Ask yourself questions like: Will this align with my goals? Do I have the bandwidth for this?
Who/What might I have to say no to if I say yes? Tuning into your intuition can provide clarity. Simply take a few deep breaths first before responding. Know that you cannot determine a thoughtful response until you truly understand a situation’s implications on your well-being.
“When we say YES too often, to too many demands, for too little reward, we will inevitably reach a point where we feel we are giving more than we are getting. We may come to feel used, unappreciated, or resentful.” — Beverly Engel
I have been there and done that and burnt myself down, simply because I was brought up to shoulder responsibility, mine as well as that of others around me. I had to learn the hard way that being a martyr isn’t always beneficial! When we know our boundaries but cave to please others, everyone suffers in the end.
You would have heard this saying regarding self-care — ‘You cannot pour from an empty cup.’ It exhorts us to take care of our needs first and then pour into others, so we can be better in service.
Today my policy is not just being willing to pour from a full cup but not being willing to pour at all. Others get the overflow of my cup, which is supposed to remain full at all times. I have learned that in general, it is wise to say no when taking something on leaves you drained, resentful or overwhelmed. This has been a game-changer for me!
Pay attention to these feelings — they act as messengers letting you know your load is too heavy. Saying no protects your time and energy so you can wholeheartedly focus on your most significant priorities and find joy in them.
The best gift we can offer is representing ourselves authentically.
This means knowing who we are, what we want, what we do not want and being capable of communicating it well. It also means being integral with our word.
“Saying yes is about being present, saying no is about being wise.” — Oprah Winfrey
A compassionate “no” preserves our health and the dignity of the asker. A resentment-charged “yes” helps no one. Simply share the reasons this request cannot fit — your plate is full, it misaligns with your goals for the season, etc. Most will understand when communication is kind, clear, and confident, not apologetic for maintaining boundaries. Also, remember that a no without any reason or justification is absolutely fine!
“Saying no is an act of giving yourself space rather than taking anything away from anyone else.” — Mark Nepo
While generous souls may still struggle to refrain from over-giving, this gets easier with practice. There is another great saying — “Givers have to set limits because takers never do!”
Here’s how to go about it:
- Start small by declining unimportant requests that can be delegated elsewhere.
- Build a solid rationale for the word “no” to lean on.
- Remind yourself that everyone is responsible for their own self-care — your sole duty is stewarding your personal bandwidth with compassion and wisdom.
I can vouch for the fact that getting comfortable disappointing others’ expectations is truly liberating, allowing you to live intentionally towards your highest priorities. It promotes your growth as a person. Loving detachment enables wise alignment with requests in harmony with your truth.
“Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.” — John C. Maxwell
Going beyond the arguments of solely learning to say no, there are occasions in which a yes is extremely beneficial to all concerned. Always playing it safe, when it comes to experiencing or learning something new, limits you. Saying an occasional yes when you’re on the fence can lead to growth, memorable adventures and meaningful connections. Stepping outside your routine introduces variety and vitality into your life.
Each yes and no decision requires checking in with yourself in that moment — your needs one day may differ from the next.
Aim to strike the right yes-to-no ratio that leaves you feeling fulfilled, engaged and at peace with your choices. Stay true to your top priorities while allowing some flexibility for spur-of-the-moment possibilities. Keep assessing whether your commitments continue fueling you. Recognize it’s okay to say no when ones that previously excited you have run their course. You are allowed grow and change as you go along!
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” — Warren Buffet
Balancing yes and no gets easier as you go along with awareness. You realize you can release guilt when declining invitations and feel confident creating space to prevent burnout. You also see that allowing some spontaneity leads to tremendous joy. Each yes and each no serves a purpose — to ensure you can wholeheartedly show up for what matters most with compassion for yourself and others.
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Connect with me if you are seeking to go forward on your journey.