The Power of Withdrawal: Finding strength through stoic detachment
“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.” — Marcus Aurelius
We have all been wronged before. Someone said something hurtful, betrayed our trust or took advantage of us. The natural reaction is to get angry, seek retribution, or try to make them “pay”. The concepts of revenge and vendetta are deeply rooted in our psyche and traditions, but going down the path of revenge rarely satisfies and often backfires. As the Stoic philosophers realized, the greatest power lies not in hurting others, but in having the wisdom and self-control to walk away.
“It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.” — Seneca
Seeking revenge keeps us trapped in a life-draining cycle of negativity. We expend tremendous time and energy trying to even the score, even though the original offence is likely trivial in the grand scheme of things. This clinging to what’s already done and using it as our reason to live prevents us from moving forward. The Stoics recognized that life is too short for such endless grievances — it is better to laugh off minor slights. If we can train ourselves to walk away, we reclaim our mental freedom.
The Stoics made an important distinction — while we cannot always control what happens to us, we have complete control over how we respond. Though we are often not responsible for being mistreated, we are responsible for prolonging our own suffering. The power to break free lies within ourselves.
Walking away in a dignified manner demonstrates true strength of character. It shows we do not require validation from those who have harmed us. We have enough self-confidence and inner tranquillity to let things be without the need to retaliate. Our character speaks for itself.
“Man is disturbed not by things, but by the views he takes of them.” — Epictetus
Revenge comes from exaggerated judgments about being wronged. We blow things out of proportion and label what happened as “unforgivable” and the other person as a horrible human being. However, the Stoics recognized these judgments as distortions caused by our runaway emotions. The situation or person may not actually be as bad as it first seems. By walking away, we give ourselves space for perspective and realizing the truth is often far more nuanced.
Furthermore, even truly appalling behaviour says more about the offender than about us. Their actions likely stem from their own pain or shortcomings — it is not really about us personally. Viewing things more dispassionately allows the initial hurt and anger to dissipate. We stop taking the offence so seriously once we understand where it’s coming from.
The Stoics would even go one step further — they advocated feeling compassion for those who wrong us. As Marcus Aurelius wrote, “To show understanding and tolerance and patience [with others] is a proof of an underlying good nature.” If we can find empathy for why someone acted maliciously, it becomes much easier to walk away without bitterness. We may even come to forgive them.
In the end, the only person we can control is ourselves. Trying to force others to think or act a certain way is an exercise in futility — we simply end up distressed over things beyond our power. Real strength lies in exercising self-discipline, maintaining perspective, and controlling our own reactions.
The power to walk away thus liberates us. It enables us to redirect our energy towards more meaningful pursuits instead of wasteful vengeance. It lets us move forward with peace of mind. And it lets us retain our personal dignity and self-respect — demonstrating that no one else can determine our worth or shake our principles unless we let them.
So the next time you have been wronged, consider not how to strike back, but if you need to strike back at all. Be the bigger person and simply walk away. Channel your time towards developing your own character and living virtuously. Let go of resentment and remain in charge of your own life. This is the greatest demonstration of personal power — and the one most likely to inspire change in others. This starts with setting a healthy boundary for the self; of not allowing others to dictate one’s actions, of making one’s decisions independently.
Letting go with dignity demonstrates tremendous inner strength and self-confidence. Don’t let anyone else determine your peace of mind without your consent. Seek to create time and space between the event and yourself before making a decision on how you would like to respond, instead of reacting in the heat of the moment and you will come out a winner.
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Connect with me if you are seeking to go forward on your journey.