The Elusive Quest for Love: Refusing Pain and also LOVE!
The Man (or woman) Who Avoids Deep Love
Love is a fickle thing. It lifts us up to the greatest heights, only to dash us on the rocks below. It promises eternal bliss, yet delivers only fleeting moments of joy punctuated by pain. No wonder so many of us adopt a cautious stance towards it. We flit from flower to flower, ever wary of plunging too deep into any particular blossom. Commitment — true, deep commitment — that is a frightening thing. Far better to skim the surface, revelling in the heady scent of newfound passion, than to risk everything on a single rose.
John is one such butterfly, flitting from lover to lover, ever fearful of going too deep. He breezes into women’s lives like a spring zephyr, awakening hope and desire, only to vanish as quickly as he came. For him, it is a carefully choreographed dance, full of feints and dodges, twirls and side-steps. He initiates just enough contact to draw them in, then pulls back the moment true intimacy rears its head. A brush of the hand here, a lingering gaze there — he is a master at stoking the flames of intrigue and attraction. But the moment a woman seeks to unravel the mystery that is John, to discover the real man behind the charming exterior, he withdraws coolly into the shadows, moving on to his next conquest.
This pursuit of shallow, transient passion protects John from facing deeper truths about himself. He is an expert at keeping things light, breezy, and fun.
Life is but a game to him, and he flits about merrily in search of the next amusement. Probing questions are met with witty ripostes or amusing anecdotes that distract from any real self-reflection. John lives boldly on the surface, skimming across like a flat stone, creating ripples but avoiding the scary depths below. For if he plunges into those dark waters, he knows he’ll be forced to confront his fears, his flaws, and his demons below. Better to dance across the shallows, he reckons, than drown in unfathomable depths.
In this way, John avoids the maturation that only comes through grappling with life’s hardest truths. Maturity arises through facing one’s challenges and pains, and bucking up the courage to dive deep into the roiling waters of self-awareness. It comes as we learn to acknowledge our faults and limitations with clear eyes and open hearts. None of this appeals to John. He opts for willful ignorance, for a life limited to surfaces, denying darker realities that might lurk beneath.
However, in sidestepping depth, John also misses out on life’s greatest rewards. Real intimacy — true closeness — can only blossom when two people are willing to reveal their authentic selves, light and dark parts alike.
When we share our deepest dreams and fears, our most cherished memories and hardest truths, we forge unbreakable bonds. We transcend the superficial roles we play, touching each other’s essence.
Yes, these heights of intimate connection come with risk. To fully know and be known is to make ourselves vulnerable, to relinquish control. It means trusting someone else with our tender, exposed heart. Yet only through this courageous leap can we experience the magical depths of love.
John, sadly, is unwilling to take this leap. John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. He flits and flirts his way through life, but always stops short of real union.
Always, he holds some small part of himself back, fearful of immersing his whole being in the baptismal waters of love. He knows deep within that such surrender would sweep away the artifice he clings to. The charming facade he has carefully constructed would crumble away, forcing him to stand naked and exposed before another.
So John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. He hops from partner to partner, confusing excitement and infatuation for the real thing. For him, love is about charging and recharging his surface energy, just enough to shine and sparkle when in company and then fall into the depths of deep despair until the new charger comes along.
John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. He hops from partner to partner, confusing excitement and infatuation for the real thing. For him, love is about charging headlong into thrilling trysts, and then strategically retreating to safety before too much damage is done. He is like a honeybee flitting from flower to flower, greedily sucking sweet nectar while avoiding any real pollination.
John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. This aversion to depth is unfortunate, for John possesses noble qualities ripe for love. He is intelligent, charming, and attractive to many. Were he only able to reconcile the fear holding him back, John could become a remarkable lover.
When two mature people come together as equals, ready to bare their souls and merge fully into one, love achieves its highest form. Untold beauty and wisdom are unlocked in such unions if only we possess the courage to consummate them. But change is scary. Old habits and defences stubbornly resist being cast aside.
John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. Right now, John’s world is ordered and safe, even if superficial. The women come and go; the game goes on. Despite a gnawing sense of something missing, he finds comfort in the familiar patterns. Stepping off the carousel into uncharted territory would require a leap of faith. It would mean confronting pain long-buried and suppressed in hopes of cracking open his heart.
Perhaps someday, the allure of deeper connection will grow strong enough to override John’s fears. Perhaps he will meet a woman able to lure him closer to love’s flame, warming him to its transformational power. One capable of convincing him the prize is worth the plunge. But until John stops fleeing from himself, his relationships will remain fleeting. He will continue rebelling against maturity, preferring the ease of shallow affairs to the work of diving deeper.
John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. For now, John remains a prisoner to his risk-averse nature, denying himself and his partners the fullness true intimacy offers. Someday, when he finally rallies the courage to plunge headlong into love — holding nothing back, fully surrendering — he will emerge reborn. But until that day arrives, John will keep flitting from flower to flower, refusing to take root anywhere too deep.
Time passes and John continues his dance of avoidance, seeking quantity over quality in matters of the heart. His physique and his looks are waning and he faces the harsh reality of the hollowness inside him. His charm no longer attracts the young and pretty blooms and the older ones have no interest in something so shallow, having grown into maturity and refusing to compromise.
John is alone, totally alone for he has not constructed the foundation of the key relationships of life. He sits and stares at the emptiness in front of him…
Are you by chance John? Do you know John? Are you in a relationship with John?
Perhaps, it is time to rethink your priorities regarding your relationship!
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritise their mental and emotional health. I work with them to resolve confidence issues and Imposter Syndrome. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. If you’re looking to expand your horizons and/or overcome issues, connect with me.