Non-Verbal Cues — The Key to effective Communication
Establishing a secure and strong connection with other people is the key to a successful, satisfactory and fruitful interaction. Words play a very small part in the entire game; a lot is conveyed through volume, tone and pitch and the bulk of our communication takes place through non-verbal cues. We all have some idea of what this is all about because of our instincts. However, at times, we can rely too much on the words and forget to hone our intuition, falling into the trap of giving too much weight to the words alone. You will have noticed that you are speaking with someone and you get a distinct niggling feeling that they aren’t telling you the truth, even though their earnest words seem to convey nothing but the truth.
We prepare and say the right words and yet the communication seems to falter and we wonder why. This is because it’s not always about what we say.
Several non-verbal techniques come into play. Being aware of these can help us overcome any obstacles in communication. Many people utilize this knowledge to get what they want, completely disregarding the others, due to which NLP is often seen as the science of manipulation by many; a word of caution here — Knowledge in itself is neither good nor bad; it is what you do with it which makes it so. This is true for everything — how you utilize things, your intentions about it make the difference. I would look for win-win situations rather than which of us will lose!
Here are a few techniques that you can practice to create a better rapport with your interlocutors or those you interact with. A bit of application, lots of observation and patience will soon have you become an expert at dealing with people. You can utilize these skills to improve the quality of your relationships.
Mirroring and matching — on various levels
As the words say, this is akin to looking at yourself in a mirror. You raise your hand and you see it raised in the mirror, you turn around and your reflected image does the same. In creating a rapport with one or more people, we can use this in part. The subtle art of mirroring and matching in NLP helps build a rapport by adapting your body language to discreetly reflect theirs, including tuning into their breathing patterns! Reaching this stage is the ultimate rapport conditioning!
Milton Erickson, renowned psychologist, psychotherapist and hypnosis expert, one of the geniuses studied by Bandler and Grinder, the founders of NLP, conducted a variety of studies on unconscious non-verbal cues and concluded that mirroring and matching were the hidden keys to establishing rapport.
This non-verbal technique for “Rapport Conditioning” adapts tone, speed and volume of voice, and mirrored body language. It requires awareness, patience and concentration.
Observe the person — or people — you are with, as discreetly as possible. What kind of stance or posture do they have? Are their arms folded which may indicate closure or are they at their sides indicating relaxation and openness? Are the fists open and receptive or clenched, tense and closed indicating resistance or fear? Perhaps they’re leaning in towards you to listen better or away with their arms crossed over their chest. Gather as many non-verbal cues as you can and slowly and subtly try to match and mirror some of them. With practice, we can also start training ourselves to notice their micro-expressions.
Building rapport through mirroring and matching means that the NLP practitioner will synchronise almost like a tuning fork albeit in a very subtle and discreet manner with the client who is completely unaware that this is taking place. Before we look at it as something odd and weird, this is very normal between people who are at ease with one another and have a level of trust built up. Try observing yourself in action with your friends. You will find similar movements and gestures as well as matching tones of voice while you interact. Another interesting thing is to look for a natural leader of the group; if you observe carefully, you will see who leads the conversation most of the time, who initiates and who follows. Watching adolescent peer groups can be very interesting to study this.
In groups that have bonded together, rapport has been established on a subconscious level. Mirroring and matching is not about making yourself a clone of the person you are interacting with, which will make the others downright uncomfortable as well as make you look creepy; it is more discreet, subconscious and subtle.
Very gently mirror head and body movements and gestures while you interact with them. Be very discreet and allow for some time-lag to avoid coming across as creepy and obvious!
Mirroring and matching is a two-way street. As you initiate the process and continue to observe the person, you will find them unconsciously doing the same with you. This is a clear indication that rapport has been established between you. It is like a well-harmonised dance. The only difference is that you are aware of it, whereas they, consciously, are not.
With training and practice, we can all utilize these skills and, with positive intentions, help all our interactions progress smoothly and effectively, seeking points of contact and open lines of communication based on mutual understanding. We can actively seek win-win situations that feed the needs of everyone involved.
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Connect with me if you are seeking to go forward on your journey.