Invisible Scars: The Lingering Influence of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect has a profound and lasting impact on adult emotional and psychological well-being. It subconsciously drives the behaviours of the adults as well as their decisions and can be detrimental to their overall well-being, keeping them limited to the arena of their coping mechanisms for survival, instead of thriving as confident and happy adults.
Childhood emotional neglect leaves people with major trust issues. Not asking for help is a trauma response as these adults believe that they must tackle life and its hardships completely on their own. It is what they have been accustomed to doing.
Feeling ignored during childhood or not having loving and compassionate adults present causes them to repress their needs whether physical or emotional, learn to numb and minimize any pain, and accept whatever little attention is given to them even if abusive.
It becomes their distorted definition of love!
Their main objective in life or even purpose becomes essentially being a caregiver as they have been doing by default. They struggle with making decisions for themselves as they are always putting the needs of others before their own; often they do not even know that they have needs. Their thinking is confused and disorganized, oriented towards pleasing others in any manner to gain even a little snippet of approval. They haven’t been taught how to process or regulate their emotions and consequentially they are prone to all kinds of addictions and substance abuse.
These addictions whether related to food, substances, and even relationships serve to place a band-aid over their deep emotional and invisible scars, wherein often the festering wounds lie underneath. The main drivers of their behaviours and actions are feelings of inadequacy, shame and self-blame, inculcated during childhood because the child does not have the filters to discern what is happening or what is right or wrong and blames themselves for things they are not responsible for.
Their sense of worth is tied to the approval of others, leaving them open and sensitive to the slightest criticism, which fuels further people-pleasing behaviours. They do not feel good enough, and worry about validation from others often becoming self-neglectful and self-abusive.
These deep traumatic invisible scars, leave them locked within subconscious loops of self-sabotaging habitual thinking and behaviours, such as people pleasing and participating in codependency.
Childhood emotional neglect leads to trust issues in adulthood. When caregivers fail to meet a child’s emotional needs during childhood, it creates a deep-seated belief that it is unsafe to rely on others emotionally. This results in difficulty with having healthy relationships, in trusting and seeking support from others in adulthood. Many adults who experience emotional neglect as children develop a strong sense of self-reliance. They are fiercely independent because they believe that they have to handle all challenges entirely on their own. They have not learned to trust others or ask for support.
Emotional neglect often leads to the repression of emotional needs as the child struggles to cope with the crisis and emergencies of immature, narcissistic or addiction-dependent adults who themselves do not have the capacity to discern and take responsibility. Such children learn to minimize their own needs, and emotional pain and avoid expressing themselves freely. They develop beliefs that they are not important and their needs do not count, as they were not validated or addressed in childhood.
The lack of emotional nurturing in childhood can make it challenging for adults to find their purpose in life and develop a strong sense of identity. They will struggle with self-discovery and understanding their true desires. Everything is okay for them as long as the situation is safe and there is a semblance of peace around them. Emotional neglect also hinders the development of healthy emotion regulation skills and they will experience difficulty managing their emotions and have various emotional issues.
Coping mechanisms like various addictions, for eg. food, chemical, and relationship addiction are used to numb emotional pain and fill the void left by emotional neglect. They have also experienced these as normal while growing up and these addictions are detrimental to their well-being.
Emotional neglect can instil a deep sense of shame and self-blame in individuals. These children blame themselves for not receiving the emotional support they needed as children because, in the child’s eyes, the condition of the adult is their fault and unconsciously they take responsibility for everything, especially anything that goes wrong. Sadly, manipulative and immature adults will say this to them further deepening this belief. Seeking external validation and tying one’s self-worth to the approval of others is a common response to emotional neglect. This can result in a constant need for affirmation and sensitivity to criticism. Unresolved emotional issues stemming from childhood neglect can lead to self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviours, such as codependency. Individuals may find themselves in unhealthy relationships where they continue to neglect their own needs. It is the only way they know to get through life.
Emotional neglect often leaves invisible scars, as the wounds are emotional and psychological rather than physical. These scars can remain hidden even from the individuals themselves, leading to ongoing patterns of self-sabotage and emotional struggles, unless they have somebody point them out or reach a moment of self-awareness due to their external or internal circumstances. They live deeply unfulfilling and unhappy lives, in fear of being left out and left alone as they consider themselves unworthy of more.
Recognizing the impact of childhood emotional neglect is an essential step in the healing process. Therapy, in particular approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and counselling, can be highly beneficial in addressing these issues, helping individuals develop healthier coping strategies. These work by examining the person’s deep-rooted beliefs, and bringing them to a point of self-awareness, and the knowledge that they are worthy simply because they exist and that they were not in the past and are not now responsible for anybody’s well-being or behaviours. They do not have to do anything or please anyone to gain approval or validation. They are taught self-acceptance, self-compassion and self-care. It is a journey to help them realise that things do not have to always be the same. They are encouraged to work on their self-identity and build up their self-worth and self-esteem to move through life with confidence.
I will be publishing more on this topic further on.
If you resonate with the above and can recognize certain traits or behaviours in yourself or others, know that is never too late to seek support and work towards healing and personal growth. We have the power of self-determination and discernment as adults, even though the circumstances of our childhood were beyond our control.
Our wounds are not our fault as children but our healing is our responsibility as adults.
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design counsellor, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Reach out if you require help and guidance.