How to let go of the need for external validation?

External validation refers to seeking approval, recognition, or validation from sources outside of oneself. It means that we rely on others or external sources for our sense of self and self-worth.

The opinions, judgments, or feedback of others are considered important and determine one’s self-worth or the validity of their actions, thoughts, or feelings. This can manifest in various aspects of life, such as seeking validation from friends, family, colleagues, or even society at large. Peer pressure, especially among adolescents is the most common example of this.

With the onset and widespread use of social media, the younger generations are extremely vulnerable to this as their psychological development is marked by what the ‘influencers’ are doing before they have developed their own grounded sense of self and emotional maturity. However, even some older persons suffer from a lack of self-worth and are dependent on external validation.

This can have both healthy and positive as well as unhealthy and negative implications. On the positive side, receiving validation and support from others can boost self-esteem and provide a sense of belonging. Who among us isn’t happy to be complimented on a job well done? Who does not enjoy celebrating life’s great accomplishments with friends?

However, when we excessively depend on external validation, it can lead to insecurity, self-doubt, and a constant need for others’ approval, which may hinder personal growth and authenticity. Our moods are tied up to what others say and go up and down like waves out of our control. The euphoria is great but the downswings can be devastating!

As a Life Design Consultant and Transformational Coach, I encounter many persons who struggle with external validation issues and help them develop a healthier sense of self-worth and self-validation. Our sense of identity is our greatest ally in navigating life and having a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem is crucial. I know from my own experience!

Letting go of the need for external validation is a significant step toward building a strong sense of self-worth and confidence.

Here are some strategies and practices that I use with my clients and that can help you in this process:

• Self-awareness is key: Awareness and especially self-awareness is the first step towards change. Slow down and start by tuning into your emotions and feelings. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now and why? Is my mood dependent on something else? Do I seek external validation to feel good or worthy? Reflect on the situations or areas of your life where you tend to seek validation the most. Our relationships are key components in leading a fulfilling life and exploring them is essential, whether with people, situations, things or even money!
• Seek to Understand the Root Causes: Explore the reasons behind your need for external validation. This need is often born from past experiences or linked to a lack of self-confidence. Most people live barely scratching the surface of life. It takes effort, time and willingness to stop skimming the surface and diving in deep. It takes courage. It takes guts to dive deeper. However, the pearls of life aren’t available on the surface waves! Understanding these root causes helps you address them effectively.
• Cultivate Self-Compassion: Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Nurture yourself and dive deep into self-love. The Bible says, ‘Love one another as thyself,’ in the New Testament, specifically in the Gospel of John. This teaching emphasizes the importance of love, compassion, and care for one another, treating others with the same love and kindness that we would want for ourselves. Therefore, treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. This is something I often reiterate with the people I work with. We forget to look after ourselves and can be more critical of ourselves while easily forgiving the same mistakes in others! Acknowledge that you are human, and it is okay to make mistakes and not be perfect. Rather, we are perfectly imperfect human beings!
• Set Intrinsic Value-Based Goals: Instead of focusing solely on external achievements or recognition, start by setting goals that are intrinsic to your values and interests. These are objectives that are driven by your personal values, principles, and a deep sense of meaning and purpose, by your inner beliefs and desires. They align with what truly matters to you on a fundamental level. How to set Intrinsic Value-Based Goals?
• Use your time and energy wisely: Pursue activities that genuinely resonate with you, regardless of what others think. Ask yourself: What brings me joy? Which activities make me forget the time? What gives me a sense of flow? Do more of that. Remember, once time passes by, it is gone forever and none of us are given to know how much time we have in this life!
• Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices, in my opinion, underpin everything we do as an anchor, a deeply rooted core for living a purposeful life. Mindfulness, being more present in the moment helps you become more aware and less focused on external judgments. It improves your self-awareness, and power of observation and reduces anxiety related to seeking validation.
• Learn to effectively Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Again awareness plays a key role here. When you catch yourself seeking validation or engaging in negative self-talk, challenge those thoughts. Are these thoughts really true? Is there any evidence for my thoughts? Is there any evidence against my thoughts? A wise Greek philosopher called Socrates developed this excellent line of questioning, also known as Socratic Questioning. Replace the disempowering thoughts with positive affirmations or more realistic perspectives.
• Develop, Cultivate and Nurture Self-Confidence: Building self-confidence takes time, but it’s crucial for reducing the need for validation. Just like planting a seed into fertile soil, and nurturing it with love and care, providing enough water and sunlight and protecting it from animals, we need to nurture ourselves and our personal development. Set small, achievable goals, and celebrate your successes along the way. Each accomplishment can boost your confidence. Our brains thrive on positive repetitive actions.
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Seek out relationships and friendships with people who support and appreciate you for who you are. This means cutting connections with and distancing yourself from people who are extremely competitive, those who undermine your sense of self or refuse to celebrate your accomplishments. Ask yourself: Who do I have around me? Is it time to review my relationships? Is it time to let go of some unsupportive ones? How can I redefine my circle? Positive social connections can help reinforce your self-worth.
• Limit Social Media and Comparisons: It seems that Social Media is here to stay. I used to be very wary of Social Media until I decided to utilise it as per my own needs rather than be a passive, brainless, distracted consumer of whatever came my way. Excessive use of social media can intensify the need for validation. Consider limiting your time on social platforms and avoiding constant comparisons with others. Remember, things are mostly neutral and take a cue from us in becoming useful or destructive. Be aware that everything shown on Social networks isn’t true! Photoshop and filters not only exist but they are used widely. Comparisonitis has no cure; you simply make a decision to let it go!
• Seek Professional Help: Sometimes working with a professional is an excellent idea. We all need help and support in navigating different phases of our lives. If your need for external validation is deeply ingrained and is causing significant distress, and hindering you from living well, consider working with a counsellor. Well-trained professionals can provide guidance and techniques tailored to your specific situation.
• Focus on Personal Growth: Make a continuous effort to invest in your personal development. This is the best investment you will ever make! Learning new skills, pursuing hobbies, and expanding your knowledge can help you blossom as a person and build a strong sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation. Superficial beauty and physical aspects will fade with time, while material possessions will eventually lose their relevance. Who you become as a person will not only help you face whatever life throws at you with confidence, it will also help develop your personality and add to your attractiveness!

Letting go of the need for external validation is a process, and it will take time. Be patient, compassionate and loving with yourself and celebrate each step you take toward greater self-acceptance and self-worth. Reach out if you need help.

As a Life Design Consultant and Transformational Coach, I help people explore their values, beliefs, and goals, facilitating a deeper understanding of themselves and their aspirations. It is a powerful tool for personal growth, self-discovery and building self-esteem.