Defusing Manipulation: Strategies from Psychology for Starving the Vampire While Protecting Your Peace
Have you ever been deeply engrossed in a situation only to realise that you’ve been manipulated by someone?
How did it make you feel?
Whether it’s a coworker whose subtle tactics undermine you, a family member who uses emotional blackmail and guilt as a weapon, or a romantic partner who slowly erodes your self-esteem — we have all likely encountered manipulative behaviour from those close to us.
Manipulators can be extremely draining and leave you questioning your own reality. Dealing with manipulative individuals is a challenging experience especially when everything is so very subtle!
They play favourite weapons like gaslighting (denying your reality), passive-aggression, guilt-tripping, violation of boundaries and other underhanded tactics like playing the innocent victim to control and exploit others for their own benefit. They subtly control and subversively put you down while maintaining a layer of logical and plausible deniability.
As psychologist Joseph M. Carver PhD puts it: “Manipulators alternate between aggressive and friendly maneuverings, giving you emotional whiplash.”
So how do you disengage from their toxic games while still preserving your integrity?
According to psychology experts, it starts with shining a light on the manipulator’s motivations and methods. While it is essential to set boundaries and protect oneself, it is also crucial to approach the situation with a level of empathy and understanding.
As Dr. George Simon Jr. writes in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, manipulators are essentially “covert-aggressives” who use calculated violation of psychological boundaries to exploit others without displaying socialized aggression or physical abuse.
In this article, we will explore strategies from the field of psychology to help navigate and defuse manipulative behaviours effectively.
Understanding the Root Causes
Information is power. According to psychologist Dr. George K. Simon, author of “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People,” manipulation often stems from a deep-seated sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. Manipulators may have experienced trauma, neglect, or narcissistic parenting, leading to a distorted view of relationships and a belief that their needs should take precedence over others. At their core, manipulators have a void; they often struggle with significant insecurity and lack of self-esteem. The manipulative person aims to exploit and control others in order to make up for what he/she lacks. Aggression, the showing of hostility and intimidation, and other attitudes of superiority cover up feelings of inadequacy and mistaken dependency needs.
The roots may be pitiable, but the manipulator’s actions can do serious psychological and emotional harm to those around them over time.
So, how to recognize and disarm these tactics?
Start by trusting your gut — if you constantly feel drained, confused, or off-balance around someone, that intuitive discomfort is likely picking up on violation of boundaries and manipulation. We often disregard our intuition, which is designed to communicate with us. Learn to lean into your feelings. Practice awareness and mindfulness.
Practice Assertive Communication — Psychologist Dr. Randy J. Paterson, author of “The Assertiveness Workbook,” emphasizes the importance of assertive communication when dealing with manipulative individuals. Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully, without aggression or passivity. This approach can help set healthy boundaries and prevent manipulators from exploiting your insecurities or guilt. You can also try to have one respectful but firm conversation pointing out the manipulative behaviour and expressing your desire for a healthier dynamic if the person is open to honest reflection. Avoid showing anger or getting dragged into circular arguments. State your truth, set boundaries on what you will accept, and be willing to calmly follow through with consequences.
“Assertive communication is the ability to express your needs, wants, and beliefs directly and honestly while still respecting the rights of others.” — Dr. Randy J. Paterson
Develop Emotional Intelligence — Emotional intelligence, as described by psychologist Daniel Goleman, is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage one’s emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Developing emotional intelligence can help you identify manipulation tactics and respond appropriately, without getting caught up in the manipulator’s emotional ploys.
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” — Daniel Goleman
Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, author of “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No,” emphasises the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Manipulative individuals often try to overstep boundaries and violate personal space. By establishing clear limits and enforcing them consistently, you can protect yourself from manipulation and foster healthier relationships.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” — Dr. Henry Cloud
Set firm boundaries, call out the manipulation attempt with a simple label (“That feels like guilt-tripping to me”) and don’t engage. You may have to mourn the relationship you wish you had and emotionally accept the person for who they are. Focus on surrounding yourself with nourishing people who see and affirm your worth. “The healthiest distance is often an emotional one,” says Lancer.
However, if the manipulator lacks self-awareness or is unwilling to change their entitled stance, your best protection is to limit future exposure and disengage. Don’t try to logic them out of their personality — you can’t control or reason someone out of an entrenched pattern they are unlikely to want to give up.
As Dr. Simon warns: “The best way to win with a manipulative person is to avoid playing their game.”
Set boundaries and learn to detach from the manipulator’s attempts to play games and provoke you. The technique of Gray-rocking i.e. responding blandly and with little emotion can help defuse their power plays. When you don’t react or reinforce the toxic behaviour, you remove the payoff that feeds the cycle. Don’t feel guilty about creating distance and evasiveness in the face of repeated manipulation as this will save your sanity.
Seek Professional Support — In some cases, dealing with manipulative individuals can be overwhelming, and it may be beneficial to seek professional support. Therapists and counsellors can provide guidance, validate your experiences, and equip you with coping strategies to handle manipulative behaviours effectively. Manipulation is often a form of emotional abuse, and it is important to seek support if you are feeling overwhelmed or confused by the situation.
Don’t take it personally — With awareness, you will see that the manipulator’s behaviour has nothing to do with you. It stems from their woundedness, not your worthiness. By shining a light on their tactics, refusing to be victimised, and protecting your peace first, you will disarm their power over you.
As Joseph M. Carver PhD eloquently states: “Let the punishment for harmful manipulation be the withholding of your acquiescence and the severing of the psychological and emotional lifelines you fed it with.”
It is sad and anguishing to ‘lose’ a relationship, especially with those close to you. However, if the relationship does not respect you, it is time to release it lovingly. Nobody is your responsibility except you. Refuse to be the fuel for someone’s limitless need to feel good only by putting others down. Starve the vampire, and let your compassion flow outward to those capable of giving and receiving love in healthier ways. Create new enriching relationships where there is mutual understanding and respect. Your reality and self-worth remain intact.
As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Connect with me if you are seeking to go forward on your journey.