Coping with loss and growing from it
The experience of losing something we value is a part of human existence. No one can go through life untouched by loss in one form or another. Usually we tend to equate a sense of loss with events such as the loss of a job, a relationship, divorce, illness, and the final call of death. However, any major change or transition in our life means loss, whether it is quick and sudden or slow and inevitable; it means saying good-bye to something that’s been part of our life for a long time and it is all the more painful when we have not ourselves initiated the change.
Whether we are fully aware of it or not, experiencing loss is an integral part of our life, in the normal daily humdrum, we may not notice it as much because we are buffered by a lot of things that form part of the norm for us and keep us from suffering this frequent reality in a traumatic manner.
Loss and grief go hand in hand, while we are called to acknowledge our emotions around it and deal with them squarely. One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is to pretend everything is okay and we will just ride the tide. Pushing those feelings aside and/or suppressing them is not only ineffective, it tends to backfire and bring further heartache and complications as the poison spreads through everything. The grieving process which can generally start with shock, denial and then go on to expressions and feelings of anger, utter sadness and frustration, dejection and eventually understanding and acceptance needs to be experienced in its entirety. Awareness during each phase is important to make sure that we don’t get stuck in any of these stages and are able to process each one and continue moving forward.
Today, a lot of us are coping with uncertainty and feelings of loss of what was a normal way of life. We may be adults today, professionals highly respected in our fields, but we are often also deeply grounded in our emotional coping mechanisms that we developed growing up. We tend to react with and utilise coping strategies that developed in our early years. It takes awareness and intention to change ourselves , and unlearn our first impressions and relearn new and more powerful ways of coping so we can bounce back and be our normal selves going through the vibrance and goodness of life.
A lot of people move into the realm of distraction and addiction of a different kind in an attempt to fill the void of loss. This is only a surface band-aid on a deeper wound that requires cleaning, dressing and lots of time and patience to heal. Shopping or drinking to dull the pain, is an unstable and temporary solution and can create more problems if we ourselves are not grounded enough and have not dealt with the root causes making them whole.
We have to acknowledge and grieve our losses. There are no shortcuts. We need to accept the pain and explore the grief. Hiding behind a brave front of the fake smile and “Everything is fine” kind is not a good solution. Admitting that we aren’t fine as usual and are struggling and seeking support while giving ourselves time to reflect on our feelings and the sense of loss and what it means to us, is a better strategy by far. Looking at what is coming out of the loss helps us cope better. Losing something doesn’t have to signal only an end but is also the paving for new beginnings and this is exciting and galvanising, and leads to progress and creating new ways of living and being, if one understands it.
Loss enables us to reflect and understand life in a different manner; it changes our outlook towards the world and that changes everything. Looking beyond the moment and ahead with purpose allows us to focus on building the new and gives us a sense of purpose as well, a sense of life itself.
“Ends are not final, ends are simply transitions to new beginnings and new experiences.”
We can learn to grow from the loss. Every loss brings an important message for our personal journey, for our growth and evolution. It could be a message to learn to let go, to be more loving and accepting, to learn to be a more compassionate human, to be stronger and more resilient, to learn to accept what we cannot change, or even to act and change what we can. We can seek the lesson behind the loss, detach and step out of the emotion and observe what is being asked of us with more awareness.
Also, instead of wallowing in self-pity or feelings that are not serving us beyond the scope of processing the loss, we can seek to fill up the void left by the loss or the sense of loss with something positive that uplifts us and makes us feel useful, needed and good, whether it is cultivating our other relationships or hobbies or participating in activities that bring in a sense of renewal, giving life a new meaning. Learning new things can occupy our mind and senses and help us cope with the old ways now gone, in healthy ways. Doing volunteer work for someone less fortunate tends to give life a new purpose and meaning, joining a group of people different than our usual frequentations, taking part in fun recreational activities, or traveling to new destinations are examples of how to move our life onto new tracks.
Keeping ourselves accountable for our focus is another powerful way to bounce back faster. Being aware that this is only a temporary phase of life allows us to avoid creating our home in the negative emotional charge. It is a state that we are transitioning through and we can remind ourselves of this; ‘nothing is permanent and this too shall pass.’
Learning to become grounded and more emotionally stable helps us navigate life with more calm and joy and a lot less pain and suffering. We can enjoy life to the fullest and at the same time, remain detached from wanting to possess and hold on to everything we experience. Learning to self-regulate our emotions makes us more resilient.
We can focus on what is there instead of what is lost to us. “I have so many other things in my life. So many things are working out for me.” We can appreciate and be grateful for all the rest. We can write a list of what is good or great in life and give thanks. This can be one of the most powerful ways of bouncing back better and stronger than ever.
Whatever our beliefs, knowing that there is a scope and purpose bigger than us, greater than what is visible to us, grander than all of us combined can ground us in faith, instead of fear.
Living from a place of love and compassion, from a place of service towards others, from a sense of purposeful contribution to improving our lives and those of others can be powerful in projecting us out of ourselves into more, out of our loss into experiencing more of life, that is ever flowing.